4am

May 8, 2012
I'm sitting here at 4 in the morning with my kind and dear husband sleeping so soundly next to me, while I am not able to fall asleep. 

Tonight it has all hit me, that I haven't been my best self, and I am now starting to feel the overwhelming guilt seep into my heart because of it.

I have not only let outside forces but also guilt from mistakes long since buried influence my marriage and also my personal well-being.
And that is ending now.

After many prayers, tears, and hugs...I need to forgive myself.
Forgive myself for not being the best wife I should have been.
For not taking care of my body by exercising and feeding it well.
For not being the best church member that I have the potential to be.
For making excuses.
For not being the best friend/sister/daughter at times.
For the little white lies I thought wouldn't hurt anyone.
For not stepping up to defend not only myself, but my husband from other's hurtful words.

I can forgive others so easily?
Why not myself?

Everyone has their own personal trials that are so specific to them, only they can overcome it.
It is essential for growing into the person you some day want to become. 
A new beginning of sorts.
This process can only happen if I leave those mud-covered habits in the past..and keep them there.
There is no point in reliving the past, and reliving the sadness.
The only way to move on is to accept my past for what it is, gather up all the scattered lessons from those mistakes, and to move on to greener pastures.

So this is my new start.

Ryan and I are moving from Orem to Provo in a week, all in hopes to start afresh.
A new home that fits "us" as a couple.
A new ward in which I'm excited to receive a calling, and to serve & teach others.
A new area in where we can connect with other couples in similar situations to ours.
A place closer to our family & friends.
A home closer to school and work, as to prevent some driving stress.
A fresh new start for us.

Cause that is all that matters in the end, right?
Ryan and myself. Our own little family.

It will be our one year anniversary in less than a month.
And I think it's about time that we made this marriage about us.
We need to focus on our own physical & mental health.
Screw everyone else.

I'm excited, shaking, optimistic, pit in my stomach nervous, curious, anticipating and anxious for this new beginning.
It's about time.

<3 Bri

9 comments :

Jessica Broderick said...

Wow, Bri. This is absolutely touching. It actually gets me motivated to get my life going as well. I'm not quite in the same situation as you yet, but your words have indeed inspired me to get a hold of myself and my life. Thank you for your honesty! You are just so amazing!

Jessica @ Lovely Little Things said...

Oh I am right there with you as far as sucking at forgiving myself! I've really been learning a lot about that the past year or so. I hold onto grudges & let myself drown in guilt...ah! So proud of you for posting this! Because now we can all hold you accountable ;) but seriously...

xo

Katia said...

"I can forgive others so easily, why not myself?"
That's such a simple but bold statement, and really rings true for me too. I loved reading this - you seem so determined and strong and that's super inspiring!

The best of luck to the both of you, fresh starts are sometimes just simply what we need <3
xo
http://kittysnooks.blogspot.ca/

San said...

Sometimes, life is hard. Realizing that you want something to change and moving forward is the first step in the right direction.
I think you know what you need and how to get it! :)

Bree said...

Hey Bri!

I'm so proud of you, it takes a lot of guts for us to publish to the world how things aren't going right and we're having a hard time with certain things.

I am so excited for you guys, because I know you both have decided to focus on your family, and that is going to be wonderful!

Brannon and I are having a hard time right now balancing time with our family vs. OUR family (me and him). It didn't used to be this hard, but we are definitely hitting it now.

Praying for you! Excited for your fresh start. :)) *and soon you'll have a fresh bloggy too!*

Chelsea Hickman said...

I am so so proud of you, Bri. And I totally understand and relate to your thoughts. And thank you for laying it all out on the line with letting us read your thoughts. It means a lot to me that you trust me and others enough to read this post. I love you.

Nikole said...

Bri, you are seriously the best. Taylor and I have seen nothing but good, kind, help from you and Ryan. You have given us so much day after day, and we really appreciate it! We talk about it all the time. You're so giving, sweet, talented, and kind. I couldn't ask for a better sister.

Monica Carpenter said...

LOVE love your blog. I understand a bit what you're feeling.

I am hard to forgive others, but especially myself.

Physical and mental health is hard to come by and do on your own once you're married/with someone a long time. It kind of just flies out the window...I'm not sure why though? I heard once, if the wife is happy the husband is happy, and I find it so true. I wish I could always be the happy happy wife so husband can be too, but it's hard sometimes. Getting down on yourself about every little thing...everything really.

Keep your head up :o)

Courtney said...

I totally get that feeling of not being able to forgive yourself very easily! You have such a good mentality and attitude about the situation though which makes such a difference :)

Looking forward to reading about the new journeys you will have in your cute new house!