I'm sitting here at 4 in the morning with my kind and dear husband sleeping so soundly next to me, while I am not able to fall asleep.
Tonight it has all hit me, that I haven't been my best self, and I am now starting to feel the overwhelming guilt seep into my heart because of it.
I have not only let outside forces but also guilt from mistakes long since buried influence my marriage and also my personal well-being.
And that is ending now.
After many prayers, tears, and hugs...I need to forgive myself.
Forgive myself for not being the best wife I should have been.
For not taking care of my body by exercising and feeding it well.
For not being the best church member that I have the potential to be.
For making excuses.
For not being the best friend/sister/daughter at times.
For the little white lies I thought wouldn't hurt anyone.
For not stepping up to defend not only myself, but my husband from other's hurtful words.
I can forgive others so easily?
Why not myself?
Everyone has their own personal trials that are so specific to them, only they can overcome it.
It is essential for growing into the person you some day want to become.
A new beginning of sorts.
This process can only happen if I leave those mud-covered habits in the past..and keep them there.
There is no point in reliving the past, and reliving the sadness.
The only way to move on is to accept my past for what it is, gather up all the scattered lessons from those mistakes, and to move on to greener pastures.
So this is my new start.
Ryan and I are moving from Orem to Provo in a week, all in hopes to start afresh.
A new home that fits "us" as a couple.
A new ward in which I'm excited to receive a calling, and to serve & teach others.
A new area in where we can connect with other couples in similar situations to ours.
A place closer to our family & friends.
A home closer to school and work, as to prevent some driving stress.
A fresh new start for us.
Cause that is all that matters in the end, right?
Ryan and myself. Our own little family.
It will be our one year anniversary in less than a month.
And I think it's about time that we made this marriage about us.
We need to focus on our own physical & mental health.
Screw everyone else.
I'm excited, shaking, optimistic, pit in my stomach nervous, curious, anticipating and anxious for this new beginning.
It's about time.